Wish hard; my hope.

Ridiculous.

It's been a whole week, one whole straight week without attempting to communicate with you. Well. Basically it's just routine work this week, eat, sleep, ball, study, go exam, slack, ball, home, slack, bath, eat and sleep again. Over and over again, just like songs in an iPod put on repeat. It's been semi-reality for me; trying to ignore anything about you so not to revive my hopes up again, and get crushed again. Anyway, today marks the the longest period of time you've been absent from my phone (never the heart, though). Also, it marks the day 11/11/11; people say it's a day that's really lucky, well idk, I'm just praying and hoping hard that your results will be good enough to promote you. I see a lot of people swaggering about their results online, yet I'm not courageous enough to try and ask you for yours; you'd tell me, no mood to talk le. Next, you'd say some hurtful and cold stuff all over again. But then, I'm really missing your presence. Should I brace up and come back to try and communicate all over again.. Or should I continue on with my hard-fought self-control?

Been quite a while since I came back uhh?

You know.. Everything it would be have been. Haha, I'm getting really good at faking everything out. :D like seriously :) but one thing I can't fake is.. I miss you.

Didn't wanted to even come back here. But..

But I aren't capable of letting go. It sounds really easy, but yet again, as I try, it's excruciatingly hard. I want to run away from everything, and anything. I can really conceal my feelings and pain. I can hide it all, but I can't keep it for any longer. It's too hard. I'm just deluding myself everyday, living under the illusions and delusions, not even knowing which one is which anymore. I realized, after thinking back through, that maybe, it wasn't that you haven't gave any chance to me to mend things up; maybe you did, that's what I think now. Maybe you did, and I was too idiotic to point them out. Now that things are so cold here, will it ever come back? Sankari told me that you said you don't love me anymore. But still, yeah my heart does ache when I saw that text, but, yeah I bet you know what I'm gonna say next. Haiz. Give up? What's that?

You know what?

No regrets.. I know, cos I've tried.
No heartaches.. I know, cos I've died.

That IS what you want right?
Well, be happy, cos you've accomplished it.

Game over.

You said you were putting on an act.

I don't know if the act is getting to you or what. Throughout today your tone is so fucking cold. I am weary of trying all the time, when you just splash cold water on me everytime I try. I had enough, I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. And I got used to it, now I just want to stay friends, and you declined it straight on the spot. Haha, I shouldn't have even hoped. Idw to talk anymore. Idw to post anymore. Idw to say out my true feelings anymore.. FML

Re-ignited?.. Or just a spur-of-the-moment?

I finally crossed your mind. Yeah I finally did. You don't know how I do, but I know, you accessed my account yesterday in FaceBook at around midnight :) Probably to track my conversations all these or, yeah well, but I won't be holding it against you. I've no reason to, when I've been waiting and waiting all week long for one moment of you, to think about me. Yeah and you did. Just before I was going to sleep, imagine how that made my day. Wow~ So basically I'm refraining from communicating with you too much, firstly, it's because I'm worried I'd annoy you off, secondly, I'd pissed you off already from the other day's FaceBook post, something I had to sacrifice in return for your reply. But hell yeah, it was worth it, to stop me from giving up, hell yeah that was worth it, and I've long decided not to give up anymore, cause, it ain't a basketballer to give up easily, what's more, me? The Captain. What do you think? I would have never have today's accomplishments and success in basketball if I gave up all day long, so.. that's one reason. Another is those ways you kept me alive again with your entry to my account, and also, your final revelation to me that actually you've been putting on an act in front of me. Yup :):):) Finally, I also don't think I should leave you alone in the lurch when right now, you'd be needing me most even though you don't say it out loud, even our past 3-4 months, I'd say I know you pretty well and solid, and you ain't a flirt. Flirts don't get hurt themselves, they don't put on acts in front of their loved ones to pretend they're alright. So you ain't a flirt, get it? Yeah. I should just, be understanding, and trust you for your decisions.

New discoveries.

All these which I found online, simply just continued to tell me it's all worth it, all worth the wait in the end..?

I would never ever deserve to have you at your best, when I can't even handle you at your worst.

Which is now, these times. Your worst. And I'd see it through, I'd see it all. Just to hope that once again, you'd ever return.. at your best.

Don't doubt me. Will you?

Cause you've never left my mind, despite me trying hard to, at times. Cause I realized I can't give up on you, I can't, cause I believe, that, the real you, is not the one that's sending me short and blunt messages now. I've seen before the real you, the one hidden away, the one who is really still hurting as much as I do, or even more. It's just that I need some motivation at times, to keep me going. And you've showed me, just a few hours ago. You've showed me, you've showed me encouragement. Yeah, and um, thanks. Cause I'm not giving up already. Now that I know my trust in you is reciprocated. <3 Don't doubt me. Cause you've never left my mind, much as I try (fruitlessly) at times to pretend not to.

The Fall. Day Ten.

Hey well. I don't know if I should feel happy or sad right now. You know, earlier today, I was very discouraged by you. I wrote a letter myself, specially just to hand it to you, to cheer you up regarding your results, and to also at the same time encourage you not to give up, and to assure you that failing isn't the end. Imagine that, it was 2 pages long, I really wrote it as a friend to really encourage you, and the moment I told you, you had no response.. just a "No thanks :>". Imagine that, it made me so melancholic. Yup really, I was just so disappointed. I know you are scared of retaining, well. I am worried over you too, very worried, to be honest, to be truthful. Yeah well, I can really empathize with your feelings. You don't understand how I can empathize, but I tell you, I have been past your experience now, and experienced worse.

I'm glad. I finally got your attention after I posted something on FaceBook out of disappointment, I posted, "It's too amazing how much people can change instantaneously." And after that, I went to sleep. First thing I didn't expect was you to reply when I wake up, you said "People think that other people attitude change so fast like nobody's business but maybe they are just putting an act in front of you?"

Finally. Finally, something related to me on your Wall. I know you were straight-away replying to my post. I know you saw. Yeah and thank god, I woke up, without meaning to, but still, I realized I couldn't give up yet, I was severely disappointed, I lost hope for a moment, but then, the path became obvious again. I thought and thought, even before I saw your reply, and I was wondering how, if I claim to love you so much, and if your love for me was real, how could I possibly leave you alone in the lurch when right now, though you appear not to be, are actually at your pit in life, at your wits' end, when right now, you need someone to be there for you even if you don't show them out. Yeah, I got it. Plus, I realized, I'm not a guy who gives up that easily, give me your best shot at your pretense. Much as you don't appear to care, I know you deep down, I know you do. I decided to put all my trust again, in you, like how I've always been. I just thought, if I just gave up so easily on this setback this time, I'd really regret it, next, I shouldn't be giving up that easily. I didn't come so far to give up, so.. yeah, after all these thoughts. I've decided to stay, and be by your side again. You can push me away all the times you like, as many times as you like, but, it'd be like during the bus ride home on 262, I would not budge. :D always there, always by your side. Lina. <3 I understand it now. I see it now. I am, re-motivated.