They all tell me to give up.

But I can't.
Simple.

It's the ninth day now..?

I love you *erases* I miss you *erases* Can we talk? *erases*




Hey.
So.. it's the ninth day now. Ninth day, do you still feel anything? Or has it been a 'blink of an eye' for you, these nine days? :( I'm listening to "Good Life" by One Republic now, and god, damn does it relate to me, except it's the exact opposite.
Hey.
How are you these nine days? *Snickers* Well I bet you wouldn't even have gave a damn or two about me would you? It's your training today, yeah. Sorry for being random. I just.. am speechless.
Hey.
Did you miss me at all? Did you ever love me before? How about now?
Hey.
Can you see how I'm doing right now? Can you? I can't accept it, even though I'm trying hard to. You know my friends just gave me another angle as to why you might have broke up with me, under the influence of some others maybe? Well.. It was for that reason I pm-ed you at Facebook as early as 3:41AM today.. But upon waking up and thinking it through, I decided to trust you, as I've always done so, as I've always been like. To trust. Sometimes I really just feel like opening up to you everything, and sharing this blog with you. After all, you were the cause of its birth. I'm listening to songs now, and I don't know why I'm tearing (as in crying). It's too hard, too cruel for me, you know that? Can you hear me? You know that? It's really hard for me. Extremely hard. I can't take it anymore you know? I'm serious, I'm at my limits now.. My friends tell me to buck up, all that.. isn't even enough. I just need your one text. Never will it already come yeah? </3 I've got no more heart to be broken.

After this one long and dead week of life.

I finally, thought through everything. A thought struck me earlier today while I was studying. And maybe though it appears to flash you as a 'flirt', I'd choose to think not, cause I have already the answer.. :O would you forgive me for acting this childishly? What if I tell you here and right now that I can read you, like before, like always? I'm sorry I made you cry (If you did). Well. Now here's the answer, it was really all.. my fault..

"Love hurts sometimes, but that doesn't mean you should give up".

Remembrance.

It'd been a week, yeah :( idk why my self-control over my feelings just *POOF* and disappeared. I'm feeling everything, 100x worse now :( Hey, of you can ever see this, would you feel anything? :( Idk. Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. I can still remember vividly, everything that happened from 0000-2359, from how I woke up, went to Novena Medical Centre to see a dermatologist, how you texted me whilst I was on the way there, how you still texted me when I returned and back to AMKCC, to play against the Singapore Legends :(:(:( what a happy start to a day, which ended so terribly. Haishh. It was around this time you initiated the break-up.. I'm.. speechless. Just overflowing with emotions right now. But what can I say? What can I do? I am lucky to even keep you as a friend now, much less to hope for you to ever return to my side. :( I'm already content to even chat with you now. :( if only you can see how and what I'm going through.. :/ how hard it is, web I have to fake everything and ignore my feelings (which consistently tug at me) and crawl back to you like a dog, cos I know my life is never right again. It won't be.. 262? Movies? School? Everything? Nothing</3. Around this time, "Can you grant me the final 22 minutes of honor?" last week, do you remember that? Ever tried to be in my shoes and feel the agony I experienced, putting on a brave and a nonchalant front just to not upset you that I'm hurting and writhing alot. You have no idea how much I love you, to be honest, no idea, NO IDEA! You told me twice that you love me a lot more than I love you, but why, why are you so okay and carefree even after our break-up? Why? How on earth can you appear so nonchalant, so happy-go-lucky, so smiley-face-all-over when you love me more than I love you? Is it just because you were used to break-ups, or you were just putting on an act to conceal your real feelings? You know what hurts the most? It's seeing you, and telling myself to forget everything that happened ever in the past, because it may never happen again. It's being in close proximity with you, and choosing to walk away so as to distance myself from you, as what you would most probably have hoped for me to do.You may be able to ignore it totally and fully, as if it's a part of life for you. But I'm telling you right now and right here.. that I can't. I can't. I can't stand it, I can't hold back.. Such uncontrollable tears that creep down my cheek now even while I'm typing this out, that reminds me of the final and fond memories and moments spent with you. Can God/whoever up there, just enlighten me on what to really do to have you back in my life? I love you.. </3 I love you, I wanna be selfish. I can't take it anymore. I can't bear with the pain and the ache. I can't bear the lonesome days that pass by without you. I don't want to be like this, I never chose to.. You reduced me to this heap of junk that I'm right now. Can you please, come back? *Sobs* I'm just a fucking weakling ain't I? Not being able to deal with this so-called *pain* when you can, so easily. I can only write it all here, I can't tell you, I can't talk it out with you, know why? Cause I know when I do, I become scary to you. I scared you the other day.. And I really am in a fix now. You have no idea how much "miss" and "love" have become even subtle for me, in physically, emotionally and mentally, after you've gone. I've always cherished you, it's just that your departure left me stinging at it even more.. I'm really frightened, can I get you back without your mum carrying out her threat? How did she even find out in the first place? I thought she trusted you, even if it was your brother who said it all out, she wouldn't have believed him would she? :'( Everything is just so.. crazy. </3

Finally.

These two days seen a great improvement in your attitude :D and I'm really glad with it. You can't even imagine the exhilaration I felt when I saw your texts pop-up. :) ytdd was when I woke up from my sleep, today, while I was doing my math. Omg.. Thank you, God or whoever is up there, thanks for answering my prayers. :) thank you.. :) I'm so touched. You made my day today, something I haven't felt for 5-6 days. :) thank you. Seriously. Heartfelt thanks.

The Fall. Day Five.

It's finally getting easier to fake a smile and pretend everything's alright., cos I'm numb to the once-excruciating pain already :) I'm.. numbed. I don't know if you'd bother to come back or what. All I know is, I'd still love it if you do, but if you couldn't care less.. I'm sorry but I ain't gonna do anything anymore, seeing how you never fail to put me down every single time I try..

Torturing.

How true can this get? I showed you my weak and crumpled side, I had to show you cos I couldn't act like everything was alright. And you probably thought I was a fucking weakling and retard. All or nothing. Well at least I tried, and even as now I look on, you won't start the texts at all. Like as usual. How I miss those times when I'd receive 2-3 texts of "Hey you awake? I'm bored :(:(:(" when I wake up. Now? Back to square one. I'm alone. In the lonely streets. Again.

The Fall. Day Four.

I sleep, I wake up. I think of you, I eat, I bathe, I wash up. I still think of you. My heart keeps fucking aching like as if there is a hand that keeps on squeezing it. I never wanna let you go, omfg.. Can't we just meet up, talk this over and settle it properly? You told me you'd forget, but the way you talk, it's pretty obvious you're dying inside; dying inside to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. And I know the reason why you are acting like this. :) I know, yeah I think I know. <3 and Iloveyou. Thank you :D

How true can this be?

I don't want to give up, I can't give up, I can't, but it's tearing my heart apart again. :( I need you back..

Idw to count anymore.

I don't care what day this is, I don't care what week this is, I don't care whatever anything is.. I came back today, I couldn't stand not talking to you. I couldn't stand missing you like hell. I came back. I tried again, I went for a second try, and a third try, and a fourth try, it was warm and brief, that one and a half hours when you talked to me, the gaping hole where my heart used to be was filled, temporarily. I know this can't be helped, but I risked, cause coming back would hurt me more when you go all silent again. I have no idea why you keep breaking off our conversation halfway; you don't want us to talk at all? Why aren't you making effort to keep this conversation alive even though you are there? I slept and I kept staring over at my phone, is it true you'd never text me on your own accord again? :/ I really love you a lot, and I don't want this to be happening..

I really need you here by my side :(

And I mean it. One second can't pass without you appearing on my mind. There ain't any way to stop this awful feeling. I may be selfish.. but I really need you back. I can't understand why you're reacting like this when it's your mom who forced you to break up; is it because of my fault? That on the 18th of Oct I came to dine with you and yet gatecrashed upon you and Wilfred, and was it Wilfred who told your mom everything? I suppose it seems to be, that is the reason probably why you're cold-shouldering me and ignoring me like some unwanted canine. It is all my fault. Yeah, and I can't forgive myself for it alrdd.

The Fall. Day Three.

So yeahh. I woke up early in the morning at 8AM, and snuggling in my bed no longer means anything special to me. It's just, lying on a old piece of crapped out junk? Yeah man. That's it. And even so, I still can't resist peeking at my phone even when I'm half-asleep, with a heavy heart (and I mean very very heavy), with my hopes still subconsciously drawn high up for your text, for your that "Can chat? :)" message. Once again, you failed my expectations of you. And I'm feeling the brunt of the blow, on and on again. It's really hard to believe that in just three days, our communication literally just broke off. Totally.. :'( I'll never ever get over it. I am still up now, and yet I still can't help but glance at my phone over and over again at times. Haishh~ have you really forgotten me? Or should I blame myself that you're no longer the same? I scared you yesterday. :/ I did, and hell fuck was I doing at all?!

Randomness striking again.

I just get really discouraged when, my expectations of you fail me. And now I really dread your holidays cause I don't think it'd give you any possible chances of thinking about me.. Will you? Haishh~ Idw to know.. I love you. And I never felt that before as strongly as now. I love you. Would you even think of me during your holidays now? :'(

The Fall. Day Three.

It's 12:34AM now, and as I look on at this time, I get forcibly reminded of the sweet times when you always wake up and text me at this particular time :) Here I am, controlling my longing and yearning again (and I'm not really having any success in doing so). Sometimes, I just feel like breaking down again and pleading with you for the answers. It is one of those times right now, I dk how I'm feeling again, I'm having a poker face right now, but deep down I know I still hurt alot. I realized that it wasn't that I've grown numb to the pain, it's just that I've grown used to it. Every single minute, I hope to see your text back here, right here again, on my iPhone by my side. I can't take it in the deep and lonely nights especially, remember I told you I was oddly more emotional during the night-time? Haha (I'm faking this smile, can you see through me? Can you hear my tone?) it's a dead "Haha", and I remembered the night I told you these, you named me grandgrand. Lol, I think back and I'm smiling again at your uniqueness. I'm used to the loneliness already. I'd wish to send you something, haishh~ but it'd do you no good to see how I'm feeling right now, you shouldn't care anymore, that's how it's gonna be like and I should learn to adapt to that again. How weird is it of me to chat to this blogspot as if it was you? :) I can imagine your replies in the past :D it's the only thing I use to deceive myself and delude myself, which would cheer me up again. After which.. I'd slump into this self-destructive mood again, when I once again get horribly reminded of the fact that it's going to be over. Or should I say, long over. I love you, and I really need you now, can you hear me, my asleep dinosaur?