The Fall. Day Two.

They say being hurt too deeply will numb you swiftly, and how true it is. I am sick and tired of hoping against the impossible. I finally managed to devastate myself to this extent that I don't really feel much now. Maybe it had been the expectations of her that was really hurting me, when I expected her to be visibly affected by my departure, or maybe should I say, our separation. I'm back after a really long day out, woke up early in the morning to fulfill her wish; take back my earpieces and English assessment books from her in school. I had looked forward to seeing her again, but what I saw in the end bugged me to no end.. I could see the hesitation and reluctance in her as she walked quickly towards me, as if she wanted this whole thing to be over soon, as if she wanted everything between us, that links us back to the past, to be totally gone, it's what I saw, there, that made me really sad. I was really burning inside, but what could I do? I reached out for my stuff, and she walked away without a backward glance. I was really upset; why had things between us worsened so terribly? Why had our relationship even deteriorated to this extent of damage? Can it ever be repaired? Will she ever flash me a cute smile again? She told me she is a flirt, but, I really can't see anything in her, those times we spent together, the times we bonded together, I just don't believe she is a flirt, she won't do this to me. I know she won't, I have never doubted her before. I can see her real self inside, dying too, but having to keep up the cruel disposition to me, that gotta be killing her. She reduced me to this state, but by doing so, is she also killing herself mentally? She smiled in the text, I saw the sarcasm, and I know she was not really happy at all. But all I need, is for me, to tell me herself, to answer the questions I have for her, and the fact that she avoids them, and evades them, already long tell me, she was obviously faking a smile and faking the brutality to try and have me give up, cause she doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she has had, now. I think this is how I read her, how I understand her. I won't give up on her no matter what, I'll keep this secret safe here in my heart, that she'll be my always lovely dinosaur. No matter how she hurts me, no matter how she appears to be cold and uncaring, my heart shall beat for her. No one else but her. I don't care anymore. I'm sick and tired of reading her, that is the most I can handle alrdd. Her mum forced her to, that very one text she sent me, confirmed my suspicions that she is still as before, and hasn't changed. She is still the Lina I know, the one I still trust and the one I still love. I'll wait for her. Until which, I'll suffer it out. But it will hurt no longer, I suppose. I've managed to numb myself, yeah I had. Now, it's either love or die. And no one can see that, ever.