Remembrance.

It'd been a week, yeah :( idk why my self-control over my feelings just *POOF* and disappeared. I'm feeling everything, 100x worse now :( Hey, of you can ever see this, would you feel anything? :( Idk. Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn't. I can still remember vividly, everything that happened from 0000-2359, from how I woke up, went to Novena Medical Centre to see a dermatologist, how you texted me whilst I was on the way there, how you still texted me when I returned and back to AMKCC, to play against the Singapore Legends :(:(:( what a happy start to a day, which ended so terribly. Haishh. It was around this time you initiated the break-up.. I'm.. speechless. Just overflowing with emotions right now. But what can I say? What can I do? I am lucky to even keep you as a friend now, much less to hope for you to ever return to my side. :( I'm already content to even chat with you now. :( if only you can see how and what I'm going through.. :/ how hard it is, web I have to fake everything and ignore my feelings (which consistently tug at me) and crawl back to you like a dog, cos I know my life is never right again. It won't be.. 262? Movies? School? Everything? Nothing</3. Around this time, "Can you grant me the final 22 minutes of honor?" last week, do you remember that? Ever tried to be in my shoes and feel the agony I experienced, putting on a brave and a nonchalant front just to not upset you that I'm hurting and writhing alot. You have no idea how much I love you, to be honest, no idea, NO IDEA! You told me twice that you love me a lot more than I love you, but why, why are you so okay and carefree even after our break-up? Why? How on earth can you appear so nonchalant, so happy-go-lucky, so smiley-face-all-over when you love me more than I love you? Is it just because you were used to break-ups, or you were just putting on an act to conceal your real feelings? You know what hurts the most? It's seeing you, and telling myself to forget everything that happened ever in the past, because it may never happen again. It's being in close proximity with you, and choosing to walk away so as to distance myself from you, as what you would most probably have hoped for me to do.You may be able to ignore it totally and fully, as if it's a part of life for you. But I'm telling you right now and right here.. that I can't. I can't. I can't stand it, I can't hold back.. Such uncontrollable tears that creep down my cheek now even while I'm typing this out, that reminds me of the final and fond memories and moments spent with you. Can God/whoever up there, just enlighten me on what to really do to have you back in my life? I love you.. </3 I love you, I wanna be selfish. I can't take it anymore. I can't bear with the pain and the ache. I can't bear the lonesome days that pass by without you. I don't want to be like this, I never chose to.. You reduced me to this heap of junk that I'm right now. Can you please, come back? *Sobs* I'm just a fucking weakling ain't I? Not being able to deal with this so-called *pain* when you can, so easily. I can only write it all here, I can't tell you, I can't talk it out with you, know why? Cause I know when I do, I become scary to you. I scared you the other day.. And I really am in a fix now. You have no idea how much "miss" and "love" have become even subtle for me, in physically, emotionally and mentally, after you've gone. I've always cherished you, it's just that your departure left me stinging at it even more.. I'm really frightened, can I get you back without your mum carrying out her threat? How did she even find out in the first place? I thought she trusted you, even if it was your brother who said it all out, she wouldn't have believed him would she? :'( Everything is just so.. crazy. </3